Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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