An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
