Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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