I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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