Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize