is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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