Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
