Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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