Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
