So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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