her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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