We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
