my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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