The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
