I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we're making bets on your personal life
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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