haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
