Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
