i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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