I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
