i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
BRING THE BAGELS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
