I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize