You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize