your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
