In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
