this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
