he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize