Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize