Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
