Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
