My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
