i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize