seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize