Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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