i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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