I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
