I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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