I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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