Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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