im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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