I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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