I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
