I can text with my tongue
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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