just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
