ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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