You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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