Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
