Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I am one with the molecules
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
