So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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