you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Duck Duck Cougar?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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