Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
