I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
