i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
