Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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