What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
