next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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