saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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