having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
